I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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