Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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