His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
