i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
