so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
