I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
