and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
