the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
