just come out here and I will go home with you...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
