life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize