I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
