my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
