I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
