Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize