dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
