Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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