I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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