can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
