after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
