Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize