my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
