I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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