no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So many bounce houses so little time
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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