I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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