Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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