tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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