I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize