I don't usually arrange sex via text message
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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