things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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