Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just had sex on a roof
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
