If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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