So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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