2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
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