I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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