I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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