I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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