Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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