So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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