WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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