we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
