Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
