I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize