I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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