FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
