i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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