Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize