I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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