You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
