Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
