is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
