You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
