i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
