Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize