chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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