i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
