I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
