Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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