someone get that fucking seahorse.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
