If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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