i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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