what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i've created a new STD.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
